What to do in Tokyo?

A guide by Eugene Zelenov. No bullshit, only memories for life. 26 things, 8 sections, Tokyo.

Best memories

Moan through multiple foodgasms at the best restaurant in Japan
Cry over the lives of ordinary Japanese people in Shinjuku
Scare the locals shitless walking through downtown megapolis in a kimono

Akihabara

1. Haggle a discount on an old CD player, then blast jazz fusion on it

Wander the second-hand electronics shops and buy something weird: an old camera, headphones, but best of all — an old CD player.

Where: the electronics street, no shop names, everything sold off the hand, but it's next to Dospara Akihabara Main Shop
Why: Later you'll buy a CD of Japanese music and walk the city listening to it.
When: in the morning.

2. Smuggle banned literature across the border, Tax-Free

Go into the tallest shop of manga and assorted crap and buy a shitload of hentai. Before you go, make a list — a list of the categories you're into: tentacles, big tits, dicks, black, white, teachers, incest — and bring those categories to the register. Show the list (in Japanese) at the counter and walk the shop with the clerk, he'll pick you one book from each category.

If you've got the balls, buy lolicon, because it's banned in the UK, Russia, the USA and about 80% of other countries (grey zone in Serbia), and if you manage to get it across the border, you'll have actual contraband sitting at home.

Important: M-M and F-F hentai are on a separate floor.

Where: Mandarake Complex
When: in the afternoon, after the electronics.

3. Corn and eggs as gifts for everyone

Walk every floor of the seven-storey sex-toy shops and make sure you grab something fun:

a dildo shaped like a corn cob
butt plugs for the whole family
gift packs of masturbator eggs.

If you've got guy friends, a gift pack of five eggs is the best present ever! They cost pennies, and the fun overflows the egg.

Don't forget the spray-can smell of women's panties, just don't mix it up with the smell of farts, like I did.

Then buy the actual panties, they're dispensed from a special vending machine on the stairs between floors. Nowhere but Japan.

Where: Pop Life Department M's
Why: A fun evening and great gifts!
When: late evening.

4. Discuss life and anime with a chick from a Maid Cafe

Very touristy, but you can make it interesting: before going to the Maid Cafe, win some figurine from the vending machine downstairs. Some girl or something anime-ish. And bring that toy into the Maid Cafe.

When a maid comes over, ask her to tell you which manga your toy is from. Every girl in that cafe knows everything about anime.

If you have a favourite anime, you can just watch an episode together with her (for money).

Where: Maidcafe Maidreamin Akihabara idol-dori Store
Why: Cringe of the highest order.
When: In the evening, not on an empty stomach — the food is expensive.

5. Open a mystery box

Find the vending machine that sells random sealed boxes with unknown contents for ¥500–2000.

Where: across the bridge from Akihabara
Why: Google Translate translates these boxes so hilariously that you'll piss yourself before you even open them. I got a box that said something about "sex with four musketeers", and inside was... I'm not telling you what was inside.
When: at night, they run 24 hours.

Center

1. Scare the locals shitless walking through downtown megapolis in a kimono

Rent a kimono and go scare the locals in the park and downtown. Two missions: take photos, and get into as many places as possible where people in kimono never go. At the very least, eat tonkatsu somewhere under a bridge.

Don't get the little white socks too dirty!

Where: Kimono rental Aki Ginza
Why: walking around in historical rags is a purely Japanese, Korean, Chinese experience.
When: Daytime.

2. Stuff your suitcase into a box

Leave your backpack or suitcase in a coin locker.

Where: everywhere, for instance Marunouchi South Exit Underground Coin Lockers
Why: A unique experience, no details :-).
When: on moving day, or if you checked out of the hotel in the morning.

3. Put on brand-name Japanese medical masks at a pharmacy-supermarket

At a Japanese pharmacy-supermarket, buy up everything you can:

band-aids;
cold remedies;
painkillers;
masks;
weird Japanese household medical stuff.

Where: weird as it sounds, on the 7th floor of the electronics megastore Yodobashi Akiba
Why: Cheap and no prescription!
When: after the kimono.

4. Stuff yourself sick with salmon

Downtown is full of joints where you sit or stand out on the street. Get a bowl of rice and order 2–3 extra portions of raw salmon.

Just wolf it down with soy sauce like a meat grinder, smacking your lips.

Where: again, along the railway lines, for instance next to UU STORE Ueno Park
Why: Japan is the only country where you can gorge yourself on salmon for 50 cents. Your mission by the time you leave Japan is to be so salmoned-out that not one more piece fits.
When: for dinner.

5. Listen to music about the megapolis in the dark of the megapolis

In the evening or at night, put on headphones, start a pre-made Japanese city-pop playlist and just walk the city for a few hours.

Where: along the railway lines, for instance next to UU STORE Ueno Park
Why: you'll piss yourself.
When: after dinner.

6. Eat fugu and never tell anyone it had no poison

Eat fugu. Sadly, I never got around to it. And don't be afraid to eat it, the fish is bred poison-free these days.

Where: Torafugutei
Why: The only place in the world where they cook fugu. And when you say you ate fugu, everyone will lose their shit, because nobody's in on the joke.